The Transporter

Reading is very calming, Mr. Reader. It is almost magical, isn’t it? A written word, coupled with the imagination it produces can transport you into completely new worlds. You know what I love the most about books though, their complete honesty.  I don’t mean all books write the Truths, what I mean is the honest transparency of characters that you feel as a book places you in their shoes. Maybe that’s also why I much love fiction to non-fiction, because I love stories. I love to see the world from different eyes, eyes from different ages both bygone and futuristic ages to come. I have started to diversify my reading lists venturing into ever newer categories although I must say that medieval dramas and fantasy worlds that mimic the medieval dramas are my absolute favorites. Stories of Kings and Queens and brave Knights and famous Princesses, it just never gets old enough for me. It’s so simple isn’t it; we really never grow out of our childhoods. Although now I appreciate stories not just from a Knight-kills-the-Dragon-Story perspective, but rather also acknowledge the politics, diplomacy and power around it.

Some books are gems. So easy to read, so relatable, so masterfully crafted, reading them is almost like eating a huge mouthful of yummiest chocolate cake. I have felt a few good things from reading that I want to share with you Mr. Reader. Isn’t it almost impossibly magical that regardless of whichever book you pick up, a good story teller can metamorphose you into its characters? Sometimes it’s numbing to look at the books in my cupboard, they are all a world in themselves and I feel that I have transported back and forth out of them. Like I have lived a hundred lives, like I have seen the world from a hundred eyes, a hundred souls. The most striking thing is that you can relate to ALL of the characters, orphans and kings, men and women, soldiers and criminals, victims to perpetrators. People of all ages from all Ages! It’s truly incredible and to me reveals an exquisite truth – that really we are all alike. Deep down, really, we are all really alike.

What I crave the most in books is this deep rooted truth the honest transparent feelings that are so completely relatable. Because people in good books do not lie to you, good books tell you all about all the feelings people in them have. Real world is different, very different. People highlight their differences. We yearn to standout from each other. Real world is all about hiding true feelings or showing half truths. Book Worlds are different. The characters talk to you their true thoughts, all their good and bad feelings. They are not diplomatic to you. They tell you all what they feel and then as you get more engrossed in their lives you realize that you would feel pretty much the same. Books dissolve the differences. I am an introvert Mr. Reader. Small talks bother me. I can talk incessantly with my most favorite people in the world – my band of core group members of my life - family and close friends. Why? I guess it is because half truths bother me. Pretences bother me. If it is impolite to share all my true feelings with someone, I would rather just not share any feelings at all. Which is also why I truly treasure members of my core group, because it is incredibly liberating to be true to a few people. Books are really good that way, they are always honest. My best friends from Book World far outnumber people I know from Real World.

Sometimes I feel that if everybody read a whole lot of books there would be no hatred in the world. I think the dirtiest trick that all powerful rulers in the world have played is highlighting differences. It is outrageous isn’t it - biologically and chemically we are all really alike, and if we are all so alike inside how can we ever be so different due to outside factors? Not just all people you know, scientifically all animals and all plants evolved out of the same paradigms. I mean it’s not a philosophical debate, it’s a fact! Maybe it is fair to be proud of everyone’s unique individuality, but to hate anyone because they appear to be different is ludicrous! Real World is sometimes prominently disturbing that way, if you start to think about all the unfair things all the injustices it is quite unsettling. How can we all collectively exist without mobilizing forces to uproot all the Evil in the world?

But then again Mr. Reader that’s why probably Real World is quite real that way. Half Truths and half Evils make this world full. Life is not really black and white; nobody is completely good or completely bad. Maybe that’s why all forces in the world cannot be mobilized to extinct Evil because a little bit of Evil lurks inside all of us. And maybe that’s why Reading is exquisite – it lets you transport back and forth between Truths and Half Truths at your ease. 

Of Trials and Errors

Hello Mr. Reader! Yes, I have missed you too. Believe it or not, but I did try writing to you a few times since my last monologue, except that I just ended up staring at blank computer screens and failing to draft any engaging excerpts from my life. As I have been telling you, my life has been fast enveloping into a cocoon of similar things- as if  my world has shrunk: to my office, a few close friends and my family (boyfriend can be counted in all of their intersections). I don’t think it’s particularly wise to blog about my office life, suffice it to say that I don’t exactly mind Mondays too much.

My world has really shrunk- I have serially dreamt some market data or other number crunching from my work- and have gotten so confused in my dreams with all the numbers floating around in my head that I have actually woken up in the middle of the nights. Now if I must avoid talking about office, the only other thing I can talk about is my personal life. I do understand that personal life is also not a very appropriate choice to share on an online blog either, but then again Mr. Reader- my world has really shrunk and you have always been a comforting confidant. I don’t think I am living an extraordinary life at the moment, I am sure I have the most common place relatable experiences of modern day 20 somethings. Common place or not, life is still stressful and I feel that it is important for more people to talk about everyday struggles and joys as we wade through the rat race. Not that I am exactly failing, but every day is a learning experience. My struggles may seem small, like breaking off from the g = 9,800 of my bed every morning. Sometimes Facebook is too annoying, people generally share only the sunny side of their lives. Maybe society was always this way, maybe we are genetically programmed to share only our success stories, but I think it is important to discuss problems just as much.

* Love is the most blissful emotion, Mr. Reader! Love is the most complicated mixture of agony, insecurity, jealousy, companionship, innocence and happiness. Love is like the umbrella emotion – it covers them all! I am a very lucky girl, Mr. Reader. I think being a pampered girl, is way better than being a guy. I am a feminist but not a feminazi. Even in my own relationship, I understand that I am getting a better deal than my boyfriend. I just inherently feel so protected, like he were my patronus. Long distance relationships are difficult, Mr. Reader, unless you have a partner like mine. Did I tell you, just how lucky I am? Everyday he finds just enough time to tell me his day to day details, listens patiently all of my minute by minute daily summaries, calms down all of my long lists of naggings; how does he do all that, I have no clue – he is my superman J

* I keep realizing that I am fast turning into my mom! I used to often make fun of her for patronizing overtly melodramatic Indian tv serials. These days I enjoy Modern Family, Everybody loves Raymond, Married with Children, The Middle, Dr. Ken – you know basically funnier English versions of exactly what she watches. I have started appreciating and understanding her from a new perspective, growing up she was my The Supreme Authority of the Universe. Now, I can see her in more lights; feel sympathetic and proud of her. She is more human to me now, but that makes her even more extraordinary, she managed all those superhuman feats for me, inspite of being just a flesh and blood person. How do mothers do that?- the extraordinary affection, extraordinary selflessness, she is still the primary custodian of my happiness. On her watch, no amount of sadness can invade through my heart.

* I have come to appreciate all things classic – books, movies, art, songs whatever I can get hold of. With the coming of age revelation that we are actually not much different from our forefathers, that people were always people, society was always more or less society, it is interesting to understand the intricacies and highlights of the ages gone by.  It is important to keep evolving and resisting the negative side effects of our civilized modern day society, but I have to tell you Mr. Reader – it is immensely gratifying to be part of mainstream society. It may not be a very politically correct statement, but I am just telling you my thoughts borne out of my own experience. Going to Paris was a disaster, I felt myself displaced speedily from the comfort of mainstream society. Yes HEC is good and I will always be proud of my degree, but what I went through on personal level was not at all enviable. I was really on my own, I completely neglected learning any French, I never understood what people talked around me, I worked more out of necessity than any passion for my job, I lived alone in studio apartments, desperately searching for a permanent job in a field of my choice, not to mention being single and reeling from an emotionally disruptive breakup. Have you watched Kangana Ranuat starrer Queen, Mr. Reader? I have lived Queen. I have exactly lived the Queen movie except that my trip lasted one and a half years. Not that I am exactly complaining, apart from a solid degree, I now hold  a new found empathy to immigration, language barriers, unemployment, feminazism, and all things non-mainstream society-ish. I am just saying that it is an immense relief to be back in my comfort zone. Exactly who is this God who is scripting my life? After hitting the rock bottom, I am now reviving back to life in Powai of all places, back with my very same ex boyfriend that I had always ever loved so much and working on a job  that I actually enjoy. Life would have been easier if the French one and a half years had never happened, for my life always had the potential of turning out exactly this way even right out of IIT. But then again, life is all about trial and error. 

Chasing Happiness

I am happy Mr. Reader. Yes, I am. My boyfriend has told me that if I repeat something to myself often enough, my brain will start believing any crap I say to it. So well, best bet is to tell it that I am happy.  But happiness has always been elusive, hasn’t it Mr. Reader? There is always a little better to do, a little better to have.

Sometimes I feel that we all are just particles performing Brownian travels inside a viscous fluid of emotions. You bump into other particles like yourself, there are forces governing the macro statistics of the group like the economy, the fed rate hikes, social rules etc. and there is yet your own individual path too. You walk your path alone inside this maze of complex fabric of space, time and emotions. You float in and out of the happiness fields, anger fields, all the good thoughts and all the bad thoughts.

Well Mr. Reader as you can see I don’t really have a concrete topic or event I want to write about this time. So pardon the jibber jabber. It’s just, well it was never about you Mr. Reader anyway. I write to expel and dish out over flowing thoughts on top of my head. Right now, suddenly my life has stabilized. I have set into a routine, a routine challenging enough every day and yet comforting enough with its repetitiveness. I have a job now Mr. Reader. And I have a boyfriend too, actually my lovely ex back in my life. You know what Mr. Reader I have struggled too bad to have just this right mix of life. Life is in the goldilocks stage for me, touch wood.  Of course there is no reason for me to be complacent; I am just a novice beginner anyway...

Being in a long distance relationship gives you a good amount of time to think and reflect every day. You learn to embrace your individuality, get comfortable under your own skin and learn to keep yourself happy and entertained. Being a good girlfriend is an uphill task mind you. I have realized that I cannot make him the commander of my happiness, it’s a burden enough to manage one’s own happiness as it is, I can’t guilt trip him to always all thetime look after mine too! I think girls love to nag, I know I do! I love to complain to him about everything under the sun and I love to be served happiness on a platter by him. Maybe it’s evolutionary I don’t know – but I swear there is SO MUCH fun in nagging him. But being a good girlfriend means to drop out nagging, and also not being possessive, and not being jealous, oh the list is never ending. Urgh!

Everyday before sleeping, I dissect my various thoughts and struggle to keep myself functional and promise myself that I am happy. Sometimes science helps. Isn’t it amazing how much we have discovered about our universe and how little things have changed on the ground level? We can now explain so many scientific mysteries and yet we are still cocooned under the very same old pursuits of love, happiness and power. I will leave you Mr. Reader with some grappling thoughts, every day science really that I use to escape from the constant cycle of pain and pleasure that my neurons engage in as part of keeping me alive:

* Remember as kids we fantasized about stars, about fairies who lived up in the sky on one of your favorite twinkling diamond stars? Well guess what? You already do live in the sky. Your planet is just a similar heavenly body, twinking just as pretty in the night on some Martian’s horizon. You live in the stars too! You have already touched someone else’s sky!

* We are all fully capable of handling pressure, we are creatures of evolution. We are all part of the great lineage of survivors. Our genes have survived a few ice ages, meteor attacks, Cambrian explosion, and biological arms race. Our genes were once part of horrific and merciless Nature, we have evolved from gigantic sea monsters and killer land predators. Homo sapiens sapiens were once one of the most vulnerable preys. Imagine the time before even stone age, before they even thought about fire or weapons, how in the freaking hell did we ever survive even an hour on planet earth some many thousands of years ago? Life in the jungle? No medicines? No house? No social friends? No killer claws, nothing oh dear Lord, it’s almost as if the maths doesn’t fit in! And yet it happened. We made it through that. So well if my genes once survived through dinosaur attacks, I can surely survive a few decades in office, can’t I?

* We are all freaking blind! Light is nothing more special than other electromagnetic waves, it just so happened that evolution employed a particular bandwidth to get ahead in the biological arms race of survival. It’s just a photosensitive device, our eye! And our stupid brain creates an image and fools us and makes us imagine all the literally colorful details. All our everyday travel along the emotional dimension is just part of our brain’s elaborate evolutionary gimmicks. Don’t let the everyday madness get the better of you J Oh yes, and the very last moral of the story- you are happy. Promise yourself that every day J

Groundhog Day Simulation

It’s always the very finest feeling to meet you, Mr. Reader. How I love confiding in you the little secrets of my heart! Speaking to you feels like being in a confession box, and our unbroken monologue offers me the luxury of being vulnerable.  “Luxury”, because everyday reality is so demanding, accepts so less a margin of error; it makes me wonder if our generation’s lifestyle was designed for humans at all!

Slowly my new work routine is consuming me. Sometimes it feels like being trapped into Groundhog Day movie – I think planet Earth’s spinning is spinning my mind too! Time is flying, Mr. Reader, time is flying mind bogglingly fast. Hey- it’s- just-Monday-11:00 a.m.-oh-no-no-look again-it’s-Thursday-6:00 pm already! Time is running faster and quicker all the time. It only stops to catch its breath when I start to miss my boyfriend. It always feels ages since our last date.

And during those brief spells in a day when I am not fussing about either my work or personal worries, I often spot myself consuming crazy variety of information- FB feeds, blog pages, magazine articles, and viral videos. Blame the Smartphone colonization of the planet! But it’s dizzying, you feel like compulsive sponges of information- all the time you just absorb information (most of which just makes you feel like a worthless life form  not good enough to be consuming Oxygen off the planet). Most of media news is hopelessly grim and disturbingly provoking- maybe half the Indians catch high blood pressure problems from daily consumption of Times of India articles. Add to that the constant glamour of FB feeds- ok I get it- everyone is either taking a vacation, getting a promotion or getting married.

I think I have to stop now, I really want to go on, keep writing and blurting out thoughts off my heart, but Groundhog Day wins! Its 3:15 am and I am already 2 hours behind my sleeping time, I gotta sleep! Good Night Mr. Reader. Happy upcoming Saturday Hangover to you.

I love big books and I cannot lie!

Reading is a consuming hobby, Mr. Reader. I find reading a very intimate experience. Often a book becomes a window to the soul of the author. A good book sometimes draws all your heart into it. You laugh and cry with the ups and downs in the stories. And sometimes, very rarely, a wonderfully great book morphs its fantasy into your reality and reduces the reality of your every day humdrum routine to a bleak background. Many a times I have found my moods involuntarily syncing to the stories in an ongoing book, like a chameleon camouflaging into its surroundings.

I am not however a typical book nerd – I cannot read everything; I cannot read something having merely encountered it. I have not read many a famous classics and must reads. I have often tried forcing myself to it, challenging the limits of my self discipline, and I have more often than not failed myself. I simply cannot read a Shakespeare (there, I said it). I have tried but the old English is too alien for comfort. I cannot even read half the contemporary bestsellers – Umberto Eco, Jeffrey Archer, Danielle Steel, or uh-G.R.R, Martin (yes, I gave up on Game of Thrones, ah there, I said this too!!); I love an Agatha Christie but I fumble painfully halfway through a P.G. Wodehouse. But when a book rhymes with me, oh what a wonderful feeling that is! Like you have found a companion, a very familiar companion, like you have found a tiny piece of your soul.

Some books have stayed with me, like memories of special dates-forever to be remembered and enjoyed in the space of my mind. Harry Potter, Pillars of the Earth, Elizabeth’s Women, A House for Mr. Biswas, – I think the list of my favorites wobbles zig zag through genres.  I think so far I have read around 150 novels (I cannot but suppress a faint smirk). But that’s the catch- the more you read, the more you know how much you haven’t read. And it is always the most humbling experience to enter a book store-as if the hundreds of unread books were judging you like the portrait-headmasters in Dumbledore’s cabin. 

A library or a good bookstore feels like a vast palace garden- rich in the pleasures to be explored. I think everyone has a list of books – books you have already read, books you pretend to have read (but have only made through its first quarter), book you have secretly read (and cannot publicly confess so), books you want to buy, books you want to read, books you don’t want to read, and of course a list of books that you haven’t even heard of. 

I fancy that one day I would write a book myself. I found an amazing idea in a book I read, Mr. Penumbra’s 24 hours bookstore, where the story has a group of people who all write a book each about all things they learnt in life, and the books’ safety is guarded more carefully than even the life of the people who wrote it. I think I would want to write such a book too- just one big fat book, and pour all my heart into its pages, and reveal all that I have ever felt and learnt.

P.S. >>

Actually Mr. Reader I have currently laid my hands on Shantaram-a-what-a-what-a-what-a-book! Amazing, just amazing- I have only yet finished the first few chapters of it, but I am already drowned deep in Shantaram’s world. I think I will write a new blog soon- quoting some lines from the book- for the pleasure of reading is sometimes too much to have all by yourself!  Stay tuned, Mr. Reader  J

Settling Down

Finally the storms have calmed down Mr. Reader, at least for now. It is an immense relief to not be unemployed anymore. I have moved back to India, to my ever favorite Aamchi Mumbai. I have also reunited with my ex.

Life, though, continues to be as challenging as ever. I think life is like Kaun Banega Crorepati, as time goes by you win some benchmark rewards, get assured of some minimum takeaway success, but to win more you must face tougher problems. Sure I am not jobless now, but it means I must slog every single weekday (at least). Sure I have my boyfriend back, but it also means taking care of one more person’s happiness apart from mine. What is humbling amidst this self-centered race for survival is to realize how almost everyone must face the very same trials and tribunals of life. We are all humans, divided by geographies and cultures, but united by the common shitty survival-of-the-fittest contest.

Isn’t it amazing that we can read and comprehend almost every single novel ever written? I think books are particularly amazing because of this regard- they can place us in the shoes of anyone and everyone-from wizards to sociopaths. And we can relate, we can replicate and imagine all kinds of emotions of just about any character. I think that is because each one of us is a little bit of everyone of us. We all glide through similar maze of feelings everyday – desire, determination, doubt, faith, lack of faith, shame, intellection, fear – like sailors over the same sea.

Sometimes I wonder if it is really possible for anyone to desire anything beyond love, family and wealth. Instantly I argue to myself; knowledge. Yes, knowledge is our only hope, our only means to achieve the three fold desires of the heart. Sometimes knowledge supersedes its role as a means and becomes an end goal in itself. Maybe that is the beauty of the human mind- its desire for knowledge, its quest for philosophy. Every generation has asked the same questions, the same fundamental hows and whys about the physical reality. Sometimes it worries me endlessly:  what is the nature of this universe, is there a Master Creator, what is the nature of time, what is the nature of mind, what is perception and so on. I think our day to day struggles are very interesting, for although they consume us, they are so intriguing that you cannot help but realize that there is something amiss; that there is bound to be a bigger conspiracy, a bigger reality and that our minds are constantly being fooled all the time. Evolution is also very interesting. Our mind is equipped to sail us safely over our daily seas of emotions, our perception is adapted to focus and comprehend only those things that ensure the survival of our specie.

Another thing that fascinates me is- courtesy and manners, the social dictates. Whoever designed our societies were geniuses. To lay down the fabrics and rules of society is sheer amazing. Albeit we all shift the rules around as per our convenience, I don’t think we have shaken the foundations much ever. Get born, growup, learn, become an adult, contribute to the society, care for elders, seek love, reproduce, nourish the young ones, be taken care of and finally bid farewell to the world. Each milestone of life has its own challenges; I don’t know how we all retain our sanities even midway through. Perhaps the ingenuity of courtesy! European Medieval History is another one of my obsessions. I think life in those times was obviously much more challenging (how did people ever survive without internet for instance). But Mr. Reader, don’t you delight in English courtesies? Gentle manners, respectful words, symbolic gestures, formalities, I think they are all like the skin on our bodies. Without it we would be shockingly ugly albeit fully functional people. Social manners help us control our minds, like leashing our inner demons.

Love unleashes. Being together with one singular person, emotionally if not necessarily physically all the time, slowly cuts through the chains of courtesies. I think I act completely uncivil with my boyfriend. All formalities break down and melt into a singular cauldron of gigantic human emotions. Is love meant to be comforting? I think I hurt him all the time. I don’t think I am much ever rude to anyone else; it is a singular privilege of my Prince Charming.

And then I ask myself- am I happy? Of course! I love my job and.. Have you ever spoken to my boyfriend? Ah Mr. Reader, I am the luckiest woman ever! :)

Paris Taught Me:

Mr. Reader! Guess who is returning home to India after hold-your-breath: 15 long months in Paris? So apart from cooking pasta boxes and saying bonjour, merci , au revior and gasping at the Eiffel what else has Paris taught me?:

*I always knew who I am and what I want to be, what I like and what I don’t like; Paris taught me - who I really am, what I really want to be, what I really like and what I really don’t like

*I can wear skirts and sense freedom; only to be trapped in an inescapable cycle of make-up, manicure et al.

*I can live independently and away from everyone I had ever known; only if I learn to forge new friendships again

*The gravity of international issues such as immigration and languages; the immense unappreciated security of always being able to return to India

*The richer your surroundings the more courteous people act with you although the path to wealth is fraught with deceit and unkindness

* Music, chocolates and books are the best pain killers

* Love is powerful; so is materialism

*Differences arising out of gender, religion, nationality and education are illusionary; people are people

*I can survive no matter what; an inner spark can quell away any amount of darkness in life    

                   

Umm should better be going now; you know literally!

PS: Love you Paris!!! à bientôt! India, home here I come! I am starved enough to eat a cow (oopss)!

Rebel. Without A Cause.

Humans are a strange society. We have confounding social laws and strange collective beliefs. How do we as a society grapple with things like love, sex or death? My grandmother passed away two days back. And I had thought missing home on Diwali was the low point. I have to admit, I am struggling a lot. I feel miserable, homesick, lonely, sad, the list can go on. I feel angry even hateful. This life is making no sense. Coming to Paris was a mistake. Not learning French was a serious error of judgment on my part. Believing in the myth of a Prince Charming, possibly even worse.

Is all lost? Have I learnt anything at all? Why should I care about pleasing you, Mr. Reader? I have my problems, I am human, I have emotions. I am not asking you to solve them. I am not asking for sympathy, I am not even asking you to read this post. Why doesn’t the world commit collective suicide for failing me anyway?  

Do I have a story to tell? Not sure, I have some time now nonetheless. Keep reading if you are not bored. I had a protected, successful, conservative, reasonably luxurious childhood. Then I went to IIT. I don’t think I reflected much there, I had a boyfriend and pretty much never cared outside: what surprise gift could I have for our “first dance anniversary”. Yes, I was a sissy. But, I have borne my penance for being a sissy. Then one day, he hit me. Repeatedly. Should you blame him? NO. If you were my partner, you would have done the same. I was a smart girl, fully capable of taking care of myself, why was I demanding so much attention from him anyway? Because I thought I loved him.

That break up spiraled into a feminist awakening and I landed up in HEC. How did I fare in HEC? Not sure. All good schools have their own dark side. The rat race is everywhere. Even if you switch continents. What is so glamorous about migration anyway? People are people. This is not a racist rant. No. Let me also tell you this- I am not particularly emotional about India either. I think Indians are big time racists anyway. We have our own problems with inter-state migrations. In fact Mr. Reader I don’t vouch for anyone at all. No person, no religion, no language, no country. I like a few people; they have been good to me. I have learnt a thing or two from some others. I care about religion more in the sense of a search for the bigger truth. I prefer English because I have already mastered using it as a medium to convey my thoughts. I think language serves just that purpose. My two year old nephew learns language- I don’t.  I care about India a little, ok a lot. Because, well I have lived 21 years of my life there. I also like Paris, more like I would love a boyfriend. I love to hate it and hate to love it. This is a stupid city which is extracting more of my attention than I had planned to give it. I need a break up very soon.

What will I do? Trade. It is a simple, one word answer. I don’t have to think about it. Financial markets are beautiful. They are just as strange as the world around me, but atleast they take the shape of numbers and that feels more sexy.  I need to move to London. Why? Because I don’t care about the city, ok? Any city at all. For they are all rather superficial. I want a Paris with English, more crowd and more vegetarian options. That means London. I am going to start my own trading firm. Of course I will be the only trader there and I will start with my dad’s money. Is that childish- go fuck yourself if you feel that. Do I need a baby sitter? Am I falling in a self destructive trajectory? Who knows- let me find out. If I fail I will write one more blog appealing the world for collective suicide. What scares you about this post anyway? The raw truth?- suck it up Mr. Reader. The world has a lot of flaws, just as I do. I will learn. Yes, I will. I refuse to let you break my spirit. I refuse to feel guilty for being selfish. I think this is the kind of a dream great world leaders strived for. Here I am- a woman, an Indian, good schooled, financially stable. If there is one thing I need to do then it is to embark on a path of self emancipation. For if all my duty was to get other less fortunate people to this stage then it will be some sort of a circular path, not upward sloping. It would be like the scientific purpose of life- live and survive to create progeny who just have to further live and further survive and further create progeny. How pointless! However, I am thankful for a lot of good hearted people and leaders who are social activists and lessen the burden on selfish pigs like me. I am not asking you to help me, if I do certain things right may I be rewarded. If I don’t I am ready to bear the brunt.

Rebel. Without a cause.

   

Satan's Delight

Don’t let it break you, girl

The forlorn world

Stabbing its venomous fangs

Like daggers down your throat

You must trade

Your careless laughter

For the stranger’s pleasure

Every night-

A Satan’s delight

Can you sell your skin?

Can you fake some more?

You ain’t the prettiest, you know!

They say, that woman next door
Makes a better whore

Don’t let it break you, girl

This forlorn world

Beneath your tainted bosom

Beats your heart of gold

Au Revoir HEC

I wonder how best I could phrase signing off yet another school year, yet another school, oh wait all my student life for that matter! But I was only just about starting to settle in at HEC! For some reason, I keep relating to a book I read last year by V. S. Naipaul – A House for Mr. Biswas, in a very literal sense; the protagonist Mr. Biswas continues to move from one room to the next whilst nourishing a single consuming desire to own a place he could call home. I move next into a 6 months internship in Paris. That’s how much I have sorted out for now but all of the multidimensional probability vector space opens up for what can happen to me after that.

Well so, I thought maybe I should share with you Mr. Reader some 10 lines I spoke or heard at HEC which shall probably stay with me the longest. Oh you know for otherwise 10 blogs could fall short if I start to open up about  all of my thoughts at the moment!

#1. If I had voting rights, I would have booked a special flight to Hong Kong just for that.

[Heard from a Chinese friend as I was laughing at the idea of travelling back all the way to India just to vote]

#2. 'Where is the Aquaguard in this hostel?'

       'Oh you just drink out of the tap!'

#3. 200 £/Hour  

[ Ain’t not elaborating on that! ;) ]

#4. Paris is not really too different from London. I think they are quite like a couple- a perfect love hate relationship they have, having fought a hundred wars with and against each other for ages. They feel quite alike too, may be Paris is like the Lady, more delicate and fancier whilst London is the Man- looks just a bit sturdier.

#5. You are not in India. Deal with it.

#6. No matter what- Smile. Dress up. Network. That’s how you are going to make it alive out of here.

#7. Do it for your mother.

[From a taxi driver I had booked to take me to my internship interview.]

#8. Buy low, sell high.

#9. Trading is a bit like Physics really. Physics is looking at the Universe through the prism of mathematics, for trading you put a price tag on every event and product in the world. There is only one resounding message: be it a war or a tsunami we finance people can put a number on them all.

#10. It’s okay, just deal with it like you are a trader already but have just suffered a huge loss.

[A friend consoling after being rejected in a trading interview]

Miles To Go

I have always loved to travel; haven’t you too Mr. Reader? It makes such a perfect getaway from the consuming routines. For a short while you can let go of everything that makes your everyday and instead escape into a different part of the world which thrives even when you turn your eyes the other way, some another part of the world-theatre where you can become the spectator instead of the cast. Is it not the best feeling to watch the world from the sidelines for a brief moment, to just feel the rhythm of time and watch it slip by as you lean against the window of a car that is moving you through the fabric of space and time to your chosen picnic destination?

You can choose to slack comfortably and rest your head upwards on the top of your car seat and decide to view the blue sky. Can you ever have enough of those cottony clouds? They are always a little different you know. Is there anything more humbling than to just look heavenwards, up the sky? To watch as the clouds furl on it, to feel its all encompassing vastness, to realize the inconsequential of a dust speck that we make on this tiny planet that is floating in the belly of the humongously outstretched monster of a universe?

If instead you prefer otherwise, you can sit up a bit straighter and turn your neck sideways. Then you can concentrate on the ever changing landscape, except ofcourse you wouldn't be able to exactly concentrate; for there is again so much to look there as well Mr. Reader! The distant peaks, the trees, the roads, the other cars! Here you may indeed find two very similar cars; the same color, the same brand. But the trees shall all be different. No two pines grow the same. You can also count. Sometimes I count the number of yellow cars I pass; or the number of vineyards I see (or quite simply since I read 'The curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ just the power series of 2.) Watching the earth instead of the sky can also give you a similar humbling experience I must assure you (although sky gazing retains my favorite spot)

Is there anything else you may add? Oh yes, good loud music is highly recommended and may be a complimentary book to spare occasional glances! There you go, name a problem that this little combo of activities doesn’t solve! And guess what, you also arrive at your chosen holiday spot by the end of this little journey! So, don’t you just love to travel Mr. Reader?  

A Loving Conspiracy

So what happens when you break away from everything you held dear, everything you took for granted all your life and choose to fly off on your own to a land far, far away? Sometimes in my lone vain moments, I fancy my life being pictured as an adventure saga; it always stars someone innocent, someone unaware of the greater realities of his/her Age; the story always starts with a peaceful beginning with just a skimping hint of the troubles to come; and then soon enough the hero/heroine is thrust headfirst into the dangerous escapades. I will tell you what; my hometown is a small, small place. I never even officially studied sex in my biology classes. And if it weren’t for the 5 or so pages in my history textbooks in my very last year at high school, I would have never even have heard of the world wars (I think the first time I realized that there were two of them was when I was 16)! Add to that the fact that I grew up in an extremely sheltered and pampered manner, and you can probably guess how good I fare in non-academic skills. I never liked any sports, was never required to be too neat and managed to get straight Ds in everything from sports to art classes.

The only good thing I did to secure my continual existence was to love math and books. Mathematics got me into IIT and books put a more balanced view of the world in my head (and also led to my sex education, but that’s a different story). Naturally I have grown into an introvert. I think it is also why I particularly enjoy writing my blog for it serves as a channel to vent out my feelings to a wider audience. I love my little monologues, Mr. Reader; it is so liberating to write to you, to speak freely of my mind, uninterrupted. Do you know, I often fear I am going to make a terrible wife, for I would want my man to patiently hear out every little thing in my head every single day, and there is always so much on my mind! He also has to be emotionally available at all times and engage in an intellectual SWOT analysis of every smallest thing that bothers me. He also has to pull off a hundred other herculean feats for that matter; well Mr. Reader let us steer away from this rather tempting topic.

I think love is a big conspiracy anyway, conjured probably by some aliens who also built our beloved pyramids (for it is such an unearthly concept). You just cannot win against it. Is human brain capable of constant co habitation with one single person for more than half of a lifetime? Is it natural to fall in love or is it something that young individuals mistake to be natural due to the social conditioning? I for one have concluded that the Middle Ages must take the blame. I guess life was tougher back then and it might have helped to segregate gender roles which further boiled down to reducing women as mere beauty trophies. I think the logic was rather simple, men do the worldly hardships and women get to be their prize. Women were almost effectively bartering their beauty for their economic prosperity. And because women were denied any other means of survival than to depend on the men, the act of marriage had to be divinified. A cult had to grow around marriage, to ensure that men continued to shelter the wife. For if not for a moral doctrine of love, why would a wise man continue to accommodate the same woman all his life? Women evolved to nag, to flirt and learnt ever new clever means to keep a man in the palm of their hands. Also a flourishing marriage must have developed as a status symbol for the men to mark their continued worldly conquests. Only the best of the men could decorate their wives with the best of the diamonds. In turn developed the women’s diamond fetishes! Little girls were brought up to love beautiful dresses and expensive jewelry for if those things were not to interest them how else could they live through a long, dull life of little intellectual quirks?

I think for this matter all human emotions may have been our specie’s response to the evolutionary battle against existential survival. Why must a grown adult woman who just delivered a child continue to nourish the babe? Well for love ofcourse. But then because human love is much more mature than that of other species, it ensures that the child cares for the mother when she grows to be more fragile in turn. What about the father? A male cat does not care for the baby kittens, I suppose? But neither is the female cat constrained against pursuing her own independent survival and hence no concept of a marriage in the cats! Also why the greater part of the animal kingdom has so many of these ‘animal spirits’. The fitter creature survives the day. Ofcourse maternal love is so essential that it has been ingrained in even non-human genes. And hence why, mothers have so often found themselves being more glorified than their male counterparts. I think parental love comes so much more naturally to women. 

I recently finished reading the novel 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter'. It is such a tragic story- a girl is born to a couple with Down Syndrome and the father decides to give away the newborn. He does get affected by the guilt ofcourse and that's what the rest of the story is about but well could I ever imagine a mother doing the same in the first place?

 Now that’s for the love. What about other countless human feelings- mirth, despair etc? When I get rejected in the interviews it so naturally makes me feel sad, I think it’s the worst feeling ever. I think I hate interviews. I think I hate placements. I think I hate anything remotely to do with the placements. But well, if a strong reaction were not to be triggered in my brain, why in the world would I continue my job search? I must feel pain when all those things that can negatively affect my chances of survival occur. May be that also explains the intense emotional upheaval felt during break ups (for prospect of good marriage and life extension program are linked too after all).

Well, so where did I start? Ah yes what happens when you pack off to a kingdom far, far way? May be a fairy tale does not follow. May be you struggle a bit, may be you also fail a lot but most importantly it can make you think a lot; kind of cool, like some soul searching experience, but mostly it can make you think of elaborate explanations of how you feel going through what feels to me like an extended 2 year placement semester!  

A Short Love Story

I got up fashionably late today, befitting a lazy Sunday in the very beginning of Holidays. It was a nice afternoon, warm and pleasant. Ah, if only I had a boyfriend to tell that to! I fancied a quick dramatic scene of how I would have complained to a boyfriend what glorious day it was today and how it deserved to be well spent; how I would have nagged to take me to a movie or a fancy restaurant. He would have grimaced at first I imagined and then I would have put on my best big-eyed-innocent-little-girl-face, maybe I would have shed a tear or two suitably to seal the final plan of a movie and a dinner. Tearing away from the wonderful fantasy I pulled myself up from the bed and started to get dressed for the day.

I am almost alone now at HEC campus, most of my friends have left for their homes but I have decided to stay back in Paris. Having a full half Sunday to spend, I started making a mental note of things I could do today as I was getting ready. And then suddenly, I remembered of ‘that place’. I had researched well about ‘that place’ over the internet about a month back and today seemed a perfect time to try it. I got so excited that I applied an extra finish of mascara, fixed my hair in my favorite high pony-tail, put on a fancifully cut dress and my winter coat and I was already locking my door shut.

HEC campus is a bit far off from the main-town Paris; it takes almost an hour to get to its more glamorous spots. Well to give you an early lead Mr. Reader, in truth I longed to get a date. Of all places Paris is the worst place to be single in! For it is just ever so romantic, every so wonderful, and the French have kept the city so singularly stunning that you find yourself wishing for a lover to share it with; Paris is just too much of happiness to behold all by yourself! Well ‘this place’ was apparently a very popular ‘pick-up place’, you could find yourself just any kind of companion you wanted on a day. Sitting on the metro train, I started contemplating my mood and how I would want my ‘date’ to be (let’s call my date as D for convenience); Humorous? Philosophical? Mysterious? Bold? Foreign? Older? Slim? Oh I just couldn’t decide, not without seeing them first anyways. I knew that I would instinctively know that I had found the perfect match when I would come across my D.

I got off the metro at the right station and pored over my iPhone maps for the exact direction. Some French Rue de La blah blah blah it said, damn these French names, so hard to say, it gets even awkward to ask for directions without making a fool out of yourself. After going round in circles and finally realizing that I was passing over the same pubs, I pulled myself together and did the brave thing- ask for help! Turned out that ‘the place’ was just over two blocks from where I was standing! Feeling stupid yet grateful I quickly made towards it! And there it was! Finally! After months of contemplating, here I was! Like all other places in Paris this one was exquisite too! I thoroughly congratulated myself of having decided to pay it a visit on this wonderful Sunday!

As I pushed open the door, I found myself staring at the most generously splendid place ever! The place itself was done in a classic style, many paintings adorned the walls. There was also a piano on the first floor. It was crowded too. But none of it I caught at my first sight; at first sight I was sinking in the sight of gloriously beautiful companions I could choose from. They were so many of them, and thank God finally they were all English! No more damned French with their tongue twisting French names and incomprehensible French talks. Finally, I felt like I was home!  I started moving around lustily, it was speed dating. Snap judgments and a quick 5 minutes later, I was moving over to a next one. Round and round I went about for almost an hour and half. You see, as I had started quite late this day, time was running out fast. As they say 23^rd time is a charm, and just as I had made the premonition before, I knew that I had at long last, found my D!

As I was leaving ‘the place’ with my D, it began to rain! How romantic, I mused to myself and decided that there could be no better time for a quick dash at a nearby café. The café was cozy too and I went in with my D. There was a good music playing in the background, such perfect settings! The food was nice too, and D and I had clicked already! D was charming, aren’t they all in the beginnings? D was an old soul and I guessed that half the world must have had fallen for him already, and yet here I was treasuring D already, completely oblivious to anyone else. We lingered in the café for almost an hour past the dinner; it was just so thrilling to rest my hands around D. The romance continued in the metro, on the way back to my room. I had eyes for no one but D; D was simply enchanting!

Holding D in my hands I opened the door to my room. D waited for me on the chair. I was so happy, ah I cannot tell Mr. Reader, how much! I put on my favorite playlist to add to the mood and quickly changed. And then I was ready, ready for my D, ready to uncover some exciting secrets. I wasted no time to move to the bed. I knew there was nothing else I wanted in that moment but my D. The initial romance had already been setup, the preliminary introductions already done; the main course was now underway. Layer by layer I began to bare all that D had to offer. D was now filling me in with the most inexplicably relishing thrills. The more I tried to take control the more intriguing D turned; there was no telling what D would do next. I was thoroughly enthralled and D was now ruling all of my senses. Time slipped fast and I never gathered by how much. D was playful and made me giggle every now and then. D showed me joys like I had never felt before, it was almost a torture to go on like this, and the excitement was too much to hold in longer. And then quite suddenly D climaxed into the end. What followed was the single most peaceful bliss, such calming content; I could listen to my quivering poor heart. It felt like coming back to reality from a different world, slowly consolidating the memories to be locked away in the heart forever and ever to relish.

Allow me to lift the veil off my D for you Mr. Reader- D was a book, ‘Uncle Fred in the Springtime by P.G. Wodehouse’ that I ‘picked up’ today, from an apparently popular ‘fully English’ bookstore in Paris- Shakespeare and Company! :D

Pray tell me

Did you feel it too, my Love,

The galloping of a little poor heart?

Its joyous thumping when you laugh,

Or it choking pang as you part?

Does your world twinkle too, my Dear,

From that sweetest day you held my hand in yours?

Does love brew you magic so queer,

That you know no charm, no man got any cures?

Does your daylight burst into a thrilling rainbow?

Does the night fetch you a tingling mirth?

Do the winds sing you sonnets as you drink on moon’s halo?

Has your soul stirred like your life has witnessed a re-birth?

For your love cruises such passion in my blood

My fears, tears lay nipped in the bud,

Pray tell me my Love, my Angel divine,

If I rule your heartland, as you rule mine?

Being wuman

Being a woman is beautiful, endearing even almost exquisite. It symbolizes grace, style, love, vanity, tolerance, innocence, subtlety, weakness and strength all at the same time. Are we better than men? Yes, no, may be, depends. But we are different, for sure. Centuries of history have shaped these differences. The times were almost always never by our side, we were debased, molested, ridiculed, used, objectified and also yet pampered, protected and celebrated by the men. They even fought battles over us. Well, they owned us, loved us and disposed us off at their whims! The times are better now, countless noble men and women having fought for us.

These are some interesting times now to be a woman. Our hopes are soaring, our dreams are turning real, and our freedom is growing. It is still a man’s world though I guess, but we now have many paths at our disposal to make our way through it. Being a woman today is being a part of a legacy, like we were bestowed with a prestigious inheritance and it is upon us now to carry on the journey. This journey demands inspired heroines and in this blog, I am going to tell you of my favorite heroines who most inspire an inspiration to me!

(Not particularly arranged by rank)

#1 Queen Elizabeth I: The regal Queen, the woman who inspired a nation, famed for as much her beauty as her intelligence, a political genius, oh what goodness did she have not? Everyone believed it was impossible for a woman to rule England without taking a husband or without producing male heirs, but she proved them all wrong! Daughter of another feminist heroine Anne Boleyn and King Henry 8, she was indeed a child of her parents, as much a beautiful Queen as Anne and as much a glorious King as Henry! She is an epitome of female success and shall always remain an endearing beacon of hope to all the womenfolk.

#2 Serena Williams: Another Queen of another province! Her confidence, stamina, grit is unnerving. True, the current women’s tennis is not as interesting as the men’s and most female players have a far more erratic performance than their male counterparts, but so what? Serena is wonderful and that's that!

#3 Sidney Sheldon heroines: God they are so strong! They are smart and bold, passionate and glamorous. They fight their fates, they survive their fates, they even turn their fates and they outlive their enemies. They achieve fame and they take losses in their stride, oh well they are all just so super cool!

# 4 Hermione Granger: Of course her! Why, she inspired me all my growing up years after all. Secretly I always imagined myself as Hermoine (haven’t met a girl who didn’t!). She is the perfect student, perfect best friend, perfect girlfriend and also manages to marry her man and have kids with him. She is brave, just, humble and is basically almost always right! She is the alpha woman who has it all! If only the muggle world could make more Hermoines!

These are all just some sample examples and all celebrities- there are countless women who inspire me everyday, who are around me and are part of my life. My friends and peers, I have been lucky to meet some extra ordinary ladies! There's hope for the future, aint' there, Mr Reader? :)

A 50-50 Life

How do you live your life when half the things happening to you are not in your control? Must you still dream, believe and plan or should you rather resort to indifference? What is growing up after all? I guess it is learning to survive Life, irrespective of what happens to you and what you make happen.

Must you give up on the quest for Mr/ Miss Right because of a string of terrible partners? Must you ridicule Disney World and slam it off as a mere childhood fantasy?  Must you lower your ambitions in the face of a continued onslaught of failures? Must you refuse to rest any faith anymore in the goodness in the world?

I don’t believe in leading a sad life, I cry so much when something big goes wrong that I soon get fed up of my own tears and quickly move on; quickly move on remending my mistakes, amending plans and lusting for a new aim, a different aim, a higher aim or a more challenging path to get the same thing just gone wrong. I have wasted a good amount of my life mourning losses and by now, well I no more tolerate the mourning period. You choose your aim, take an aim and then you shoot! If it doesn’t hit the target, well you shoot again, if you don’t hit it after 5 more tries you change your bows and shoot again. Some fine day, Life takes mercy on you and your arrow hits the bull’s eye! There are no failures on the roadway to success; every failure is a success in knowing what not to do. If everything else fails, you at least succeed in growing up.

Can I give you a quick tip, Mr. Reader? Learn to love yourself! Be there for yourself through all your thicks and thins. Understand that Life is a 50-50 partnership between you and God. Yearn to give the whole of your half, and learn to graciously accept whatever comes from the other half. Sometimes the other half is predatory and takes away more than you gave, leaving you miserable. Sometimes it is so overwhelmingly positive that it covers up for all of your sluggishness. To quantize it, both your and destiny’s efforts can range from (-∞, +∞). If you ensure your side is always a + ∞, you always know the downside can never be net negative. Well, don’t go into the mathematics of Limits though; I know it’s a rather crude analogy! Is there a logic to Destiny’s number? Is there a probability distribution it follows? But I know for sure that it is the same shape for every one of us, but just that the observed value is different for everyone in a particular event and hence the different conceived share of luck. Also, you must realize that your half and Destiny’s half are not independent variables. I guess you can as much as affect the parameters of the probability distribution of Destiny’s half!

 But the point is, learn to go easy on yourself. Even how much you will want to contribute, how hard you shall work is also ultimately controlled by the will of God. We are all here to serve some purpose in the big world, a piece of a giant jig saw puzzle that God toys with. Don’t smirk on your efforts or feel bad about the lack of them. It’s okay, let it be, you are a mere insignificant instrument in the hands of God. Just love yourself, like Karina Kapoor says in Jab We Met “Mein apni favorite hu!”  

Also, lastly, live your life! Don’t lose emotions, it would be as terrible as losing your soul, like being kissed by a Dementor! Don’t lose hopes in the dreams you hold dear. Weep if you must. Laugh if you can. You are a human, you were born out of love, you deserve to be loved. Give your best to the world, be kind and forgiving. I am sure the mean of the distribution of what the world throws back at you is a net positive number!

Paris Diaries

I am so overwhelmed, Mr. Reader! It’s just so beautiful here at HEC! And it’s so quiet, so quiet indeed! The campus is far away from the mainland Paris and has got such dense woods and such large fields around, complete with a lake. I chose HEC primarily because it has its own campus (and ofcourse the ranking), and I must say the campus has come true to my every expectation; it was love- at-first-sight with my room, the classrooms and even the mess-cafeteria!  Ofcourse the food is horrible though; well if you can even call it food in the first place! Plus, I am a vegetarian, so I am reduced to just choosing between salads and fruits. Blimey! I am a vegetarian, not a cow!

There are some Indians around and we hang out together all the time. I have also met so many more people from so many different places on the globe. We have such an eclectic mix of backgrounds in the class- there are law undergrads and finance bachelors, Egyptians and Americans, traders and investment bankers. Suddenly I have become so conscious about my heritage and  also so consciously proud of it; I am loving the Bollywood songs almost fiercely here, like I were trying to desperately hold on to a shred of connection with my upbringing.

I am so nervous, Mr. Reader. Nothing in my life has prepared me for my life here. It’s very competitive but excelling in academics is no longer adequate. You have to “network” and pretend to be calm and relaxed when talking to burly 6 feet 5 inch European men, like all your life that’s all what you have been doing. People talk about politics and tax rates; when I say I am from India they discuss the falling Indian rupee with me (that ofcourse has never been my opening lines with friends ever before, never even the subject matter really!)

I can go on and on- the co-ed hostels, the drinking parties, the short skirts. That’s not exactly scary but just so new for me. I wear skirts too and I absolutely love to put them on- so that’s one good thing about Paris, I feel so free, it’s so liberating! I wish India bettered it’s sorry state for the women. I don’t drink and sometimes I panic with the liberal amount of drinking endorsed here.

The French are so polite and use oh-so-much French! Even my bank account documents are all in French! Did I tell you Mr. Reader that I had tried taking a French course in Aurangabad for last two months? Well, I realise now I don’t understand one word of this French version of French and I feel completely lost in this regard as well.

One adjective if I have to give to everything- exciting! Well Mr. Reader au revoir for now. Time for a skype call to mom! 

Little Things

Life is a cluster of tiny moments. The biggest of the things are often about the smallest of the joys and the vice-versa. Sitting back at home I thought would be merely an endless wait, but as it turned out it’s being rather good so far. Endless leisure, self-reflection and a laid back lifestyle are agreeing well with me. Here’s a list of a few little things I discovered that can make an ordinary day a delight.

#1 A bowl of hot soup or a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a good book in the other. I absolutely love reading Mr. Reader! I feel it’s an experience we must savour. I love reading the books slowly, taking a pause between the lines like it were a juicy fruit that just left a lingering delicious taste in the mouth. I love to complement reading with the cosiest settings, a hot snack, comfortable chairs, cafes or light background music. It feels good to revel in the delight of multiple senses like you were escaping the real world.

#2 A car drive (no I don’t drive, I love it at the back seat) the wind whipping your face and good music in your ears. The long drive, a short drive I absolutely love them all! Ah and music is a must! And I really prefer headphones over speakers; it makes the experience so much more intense and personal. I like to feel the time slipping by, like I were really journeying my life, makes me feel it moving forward.

#3 Watching my 1 year old nephew smile. He is so tiny! So small so cute! How can anyone be so small and so cute? I love to lift him up in my arms and squeeze him so tight and kiss him all over his face! And when I whirl him up in circles he giggles ever so loud! Watching him every day, learning his new baby tricks makes me reflect on life and its literal ‘small’ joys! He really is the soft little adorable bundle of joy back home! Here’s a little clip of his first attempts at walking :-)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

It’s always good talking to you Mr. Reader! Especially now that I have hardly anyone to blabber to (how I miss you, insti!) You see I am enjoying my last few days home (you could say months but I am going to pretend not to hear it); I have got admit from HEC Paris for their Masters in International Finance Program! My class commences in September and meanwhile life’s left me to indulge in some (well-deserved?) unlimited leisure. Now, HEC comes with its own campus, hostels and restaurants and hence the cooking lessons have been indefinitely postponed by me. Good as I am at doing nothing (ok that’s different from good-for-nothing!), I am hardly upto anything these days. That’s if you agree that spending endless hours on TV, reading novels, watching movies and laptop-ing amounts to no work!

I have never been out of India. Plus if you know me, I am hardly a brave heart. Even a cockroach can scare the hell out of me and a 5^th grade boy could get the better of me. On the face of it, I am quite hopeless. But look again Mr. Reader I have aged a lot more last four years (almost an exponential curve if you ask me). Particularly my last semester brought about an uprooting mental upheaval. Nothing had turned out as I had hoped for. I went through a frustrating break-up. The idea to apply for MS – finance courses had caught my attention by then. And you won’t believe Mr. Reader just about how many twists came as each of my admit results came one by one. It felt like Life were unravelling an intense thriller, a world of so different possibilities opened with each one. My results came in almost an ascending order, the final one was the most awaited and the most promising. To give you a quick snapshot, the deadline to accept IE Business School was 25^th of May and my HEC Paris results came on May 24^th! If my life were a story book you would have hanged on until the very last word of this apping chapter! I guess it deserves a separate blog post of its own. Anyways, the point is a hundred emotions danced in my little poor heart last semester and a thousand of them in the whole four years of my IIT.

I have learnt some hard- earned lessons, most prominently how weak man is to the will of God. I have seen my life smouldered to dust, dreams shattered to crumbs and it all seemed so unreasonable, it just did not make any sense. And then quite unexpectedly out-of-the blue I saw my life resurrected beyond my wildest imaginations! Oh dear Mr. Reader what can I say it felt so surreal, like my life were a movie unreeled. After all my hopes dashed, all that I had hoped for was lost, I got success I had never quite believed I was capable of winning.  Yes, I am talking of HEC! It is ranked first world- wide in MS Finance courses. I am a seven pointer. Well I believe my profile had its own perks. Actually I had hoped to sail comfortably in the placement market. But life caught me unawares, it hit me so sudden, so hard, I fell head down on the floor! 17 interviews I rambled on desperate for a job but luck did not strike until 6^th of December 2012! Bless you Holy Mother of Lord! The sheer huge overwhelming relief! But the job wasn’t getting me excited. For sheer heck of it I thought of apping. Where? Amsterdam ofcourse!By then I truly thought I had no better chances than this new unranked private school (the school had its own pros and cons but let me not bore you into the details). It left me speechless when more results followed and I made it to some really good schools. Some even offered me funding. And then of course finally HEC happened too. It was the very same profile, Mr. Reader, the very same resume and yet Life painted two contrasting pictures for me.

At the end of the day I felt Life had dragged me to the destiny, fate had chosen for me. Like it were all meant to happen. I had thought my heart would give away, throbbing with so much heart- ache. But amazingly I discovered that it didn’t, that I was capable of living even after the one who had become my life was gone. . I still miss him, oh yes I do I do but I have learnt to swallow the bitter tears.  All my pride and shame has vanquished away. I have learnt perseverance. A hope still shines in my eyes but I won’t crumble again to dust even if  my dreams did and Life threw me down deeper dirt next time.  For you see, I would be a big girl now. A girl still you can bet, but a big girl I do!

Happy Birthday Mom!

None loves me as you

To none I owe as to you!

Not one strives to make my day

None adorns me your way!

Your love unravels the face of God!

Your heart hums the sweetest ballad

You are the prettiest Queen of the mortal land!

You are the best mother this world has had!

A mere lump of flesh

Yet you nurtured me dear!

Your selfless love

I may never repay, I fear!

A thousand miles away shall I drift,

You are the only one who shall bear no rift!

For your love is my beacon, my guiding star

From your heart, my heart can never be far!

A thousand suns may you outlive

The gloriest summers may your life weave!

The most blessed may you be in all kingdoms seven

For aint you the very God descended from Heaven?