Rebel. Without A Cause.

Humans are a strange society. We have confounding social laws and strange collective beliefs. How do we as a society grapple with things like love, sex or death? My grandmother passed away two days back. And I had thought missing home on Diwali was the low point. I have to admit, I am struggling a lot. I feel miserable, homesick, lonely, sad, the list can go on. I feel angry even hateful. This life is making no sense. Coming to Paris was a mistake. Not learning French was a serious error of judgment on my part. Believing in the myth of a Prince Charming, possibly even worse.

Is all lost? Have I learnt anything at all? Why should I care about pleasing you, Mr. Reader? I have my problems, I am human, I have emotions. I am not asking you to solve them. I am not asking for sympathy, I am not even asking you to read this post. Why doesn’t the world commit collective suicide for failing me anyway?  

Do I have a story to tell? Not sure, I have some time now nonetheless. Keep reading if you are not bored. I had a protected, successful, conservative, reasonably luxurious childhood. Then I went to IIT. I don’t think I reflected much there, I had a boyfriend and pretty much never cared outside: what surprise gift could I have for our “first dance anniversary”. Yes, I was a sissy. But, I have borne my penance for being a sissy. Then one day, he hit me. Repeatedly. Should you blame him? NO. If you were my partner, you would have done the same. I was a smart girl, fully capable of taking care of myself, why was I demanding so much attention from him anyway? Because I thought I loved him.

That break up spiraled into a feminist awakening and I landed up in HEC. How did I fare in HEC? Not sure. All good schools have their own dark side. The rat race is everywhere. Even if you switch continents. What is so glamorous about migration anyway? People are people. This is not a racist rant. No. Let me also tell you this- I am not particularly emotional about India either. I think Indians are big time racists anyway. We have our own problems with inter-state migrations. In fact Mr. Reader I don’t vouch for anyone at all. No person, no religion, no language, no country. I like a few people; they have been good to me. I have learnt a thing or two from some others. I care about religion more in the sense of a search for the bigger truth. I prefer English because I have already mastered using it as a medium to convey my thoughts. I think language serves just that purpose. My two year old nephew learns language- I don’t.  I care about India a little, ok a lot. Because, well I have lived 21 years of my life there. I also like Paris, more like I would love a boyfriend. I love to hate it and hate to love it. This is a stupid city which is extracting more of my attention than I had planned to give it. I need a break up very soon.

What will I do? Trade. It is a simple, one word answer. I don’t have to think about it. Financial markets are beautiful. They are just as strange as the world around me, but atleast they take the shape of numbers and that feels more sexy.  I need to move to London. Why? Because I don’t care about the city, ok? Any city at all. For they are all rather superficial. I want a Paris with English, more crowd and more vegetarian options. That means London. I am going to start my own trading firm. Of course I will be the only trader there and I will start with my dad’s money. Is that childish- go fuck yourself if you feel that. Do I need a baby sitter? Am I falling in a self destructive trajectory? Who knows- let me find out. If I fail I will write one more blog appealing the world for collective suicide. What scares you about this post anyway? The raw truth?- suck it up Mr. Reader. The world has a lot of flaws, just as I do. I will learn. Yes, I will. I refuse to let you break my spirit. I refuse to feel guilty for being selfish. I think this is the kind of a dream great world leaders strived for. Here I am- a woman, an Indian, good schooled, financially stable. If there is one thing I need to do then it is to embark on a path of self emancipation. For if all my duty was to get other less fortunate people to this stage then it will be some sort of a circular path, not upward sloping. It would be like the scientific purpose of life- live and survive to create progeny who just have to further live and further survive and further create progeny. How pointless! However, I am thankful for a lot of good hearted people and leaders who are social activists and lessen the burden on selfish pigs like me. I am not asking you to help me, if I do certain things right may I be rewarded. If I don’t I am ready to bear the brunt.

Rebel. Without a cause.